Growing

 

For sure I am growing and the push inside is pressing. But I am going slowly. First because the body, my entire system is human and it is literally impossible to change matter so swiftly. Second because now, I have the possibility to expand the time I need, to make “the right choice”.

Before, actually all my life long, it was like living in a war zone. The only choice was to survive in the best way I could, trying to quickly make decisions, good decisions in very pushy and demanding situations, good for me and for the people around or with me. Instead I should have simply decided to leave that miserable trap, leaving behind everything, especially the people around and with me. (Your own family, often, turns out to be a nest of poisoning snakes!) It was a decision I didn’t take, I couldn’t even fathom to take, as I have grown up instilled with a strong accountability feeling… Too bad that I didn’t realise – actually I couldn’t, I was a child, how on earth could I see that I was given the burden of choices made by others? I was a simple servant. My mother’s servant, here on Earth completely at her service, because she, poor thing, in spite of her proclaimed strength and hardness, couldn’t cope!

I had to go through that hell, I know it by now, I needed to train and manifest my stamina and, most of all, my inner values that never turned into evil in response to all that malevolence. (John, I know: you are proud of me!)

Now I am living in a dream. A beautiful home all for me. I can finally expand. Space and time are mine. And I can choose to leave behind all the thought forms impregnated in my existence which distorted everything.

Among the many flights of stairs I have chosen one which seems difficult. It “seems” challenging because it obliges me to drop all the burdens I was carrying. Something very healthy and fulfilling, yes. But the burdens had become my very self, my system had learnt to include them as part of itself. Therefore, it is like cutting off your own flesh now. A necessary surgery though. And quite exhausting.

Sometimes I look around and I see the many other  flights of steps I could have taken. They really seem easier. But they lead to nothing, they are just “trompe l’œil”, but they do give a comforting feeling. Taking the road everyone is taking, no matter where it leads, it’s so comforting to be all together, happy together, following what the invisible rulers of the world impose, promising the “real” happiness to the foolish unaware people. Exactly.

When I look up I see the difficult next step ahead. How will I enter the space waiting for me, the space that this flight of steps is leading to when it seems so high, above my possibility?! Meanwhile I have learnt that if I follow my soul, even on the most difficult path, at the end, when I have to face the last frightening trial, this kind of monster, the Dweller on the Threshold waiting for me, will transform into a celestial welcoming being, which will let me fly over, and pass the terrifying spot, that eventually, looking at it from above, while flying, it won’t seem scary at all!

Yes, miracles happen, and my entire life is full of the continuous wonders I have received, helping me to navigate, safely, the terrible waves I had to face.