Bewilderment

I am realising that all the pain I feel inside about my family of origin and the relationship with my daughter is due to the fact that I was convinced there were good feelings. Yes, my mother was a deeply disturbed woman, but my youngest brother, my favourite one, what happened to him?! And what about my daughter, I honestly felt we had good interactions... how could she change so much?

They married a partner who let them grow parts that with me were not possible to manifest. Marrying made them stronger and with traits that simply were unfathomable to express with me. 

A deep dishonesty from my brother: apparently the most truthful and consequent, reliable, with decent and moral principles, when in reality he (and his wife) became more and more explicitly boor and deceitful.

With my daughter we always mocked the girls who expected to be waited on hand and foot by their partners... I remember having made fun with her about this attitude that many girls adopt, as if showing to be spoiled were the best rule to take up in a relationship. 

Exactly some days after she was comfortably sitting on the couch and she asked her partner "Honey, bring me a glass of fruit juice, please?" I turned towards her amused, thinking she was joking... but she wasn't. And I was glad that she didn't see me almost laughing at that request!

The worst parts in both of them grew more and more evidently. I am not saying that their partners instilled in them the nasty characteristics they began to show. These were already there. But their partners legitimated them in adopting this kind of behaviour. And I didn't realise it, and kept being completely confused and lost, expecting them to become "normal" again, while, on the contrary they were more and more alienating from me. 

I didn't get it, up to now! This morning I realised what I have been unable to understand what was going on up to now. After all I am an Asperger, if you declare you are honest I expect you to be it. If you declare you are a decent person I expect that from you. Otherwise my Asperger brain codifies that as confusing information and I remain in a state of bewilderment, not able to react appropriately...

Now I even understand how could I accept so many unacceptable behaviours from them: because I had filed them into the folder "decent people" while there weren't / aren't. I wasn't quick enough to understand my mistake in filing them into the wrong folder! 

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The taming of the small

In the I Ching Hexagram no. 9 it is written: "Dense clouds gather, yet no rain falls. Their influence is not enough to complete the result."

This is exactly the situation. Last night it was supposed to rain, but no rain. Just warm strong wind. This early morning was supposed to rain, but no rain. An uncertain sun rose instead. At three this afternoon it was supposed to finally arrive the fulfillment of the weather alert for storms. The sky became more and more white-grey, the wind grew and grew, but up to now, half past five, nothing happened.

It feels like we are all depending on this never falling rain. As if our lives can't fully go on if the rain doesn't come. An exhausting waiting is going on and I am becoming almost obsessed by this never falling rain! 

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Waiting for the rain

 

A rain that doesn't come, in spite of the weather forecast that finally annouced it. 

Yes, the temperature has gone down to 32/35 degrees Celsius, but the dryness persists, it keeps between thirty and fourty percent. The home remains warm even if the temperature, at about five and six in the morning is down to 23, while slowly rising towards 30 at midday.

On the 16th, after Ferragosto, it was supposed to rain. From the Alps the rainy clouds were announced to reach the flat lands. But no, just a furious wind and scary flashes. At six in the morning there was a slight scent of rain, but everything was dry.

Today from two in the afternoon we were expecting the first announced storms, but the sky remained sunny and immobile, as it is now, at a quarter past four, accompanied by an intense and inexorable warm wind, weighing us down, reminding me of Nevada, the desert, when around my twenties I visited the States from coast to coast. It was the first time in my life I experienced such a dry hot weather (and now, this Summer, is my second time!).

I feel my inside loosing stamina. Yes, I can work better now - working has always been my favourite occupation, it regenerates me - but the dryness all around has more and more reached down, into my spirit, and I feel a void that usually isn't there.

I also had an accident, a household accident. I almost fell, very badly. To avoid it I forcefully twisted my back, to keep me straight, but that was a too sudden torsion and too sharp. Now I can't bend for the pain. I was surprised how many actions in our everyday require us to bend. Now I can only squat, while keeping my back straight, as even the slightest hint of bending is aching tremendously.

On the other hand, I did a lot of work at home (before the accident!), many things that needed some kind of repair or change. It was quite satisfying... Nevertheless I am soo deeply and desperately longing for some rain! 

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My worst Summer ever

For sure! I can't remember any other Summer so incredibly heavy and tough to go through. Four heat waves, with a short break of just one or two days, not even cool enough to recover... And the nights, as well, do not cool down until very early in the morning, sometimes even at six! 

My goodness: this was a hard time! But the worse should be over. In the last days the temperature began to decrease: instead of 38 the maximum was 37, then 36, 35...

I remember when 35 degrees seemed so unbearably hot and now it's a relief when we are down at that temperature! 

Besides it is incredibly dry. The entire summer the percentage of humidity was around thirty by default. In the flat river Po valley where humidity reigns in every season: heavy fog in winter and heavy sweating in summer... such a dry environment was unthinkable. But here we are: dealing with dry skin, dry itching eyes, dry hair with cutis irritation! 

The only usable part of the day was the morning when you could run your errands and grocery shoppings. But with the persistent heat I became so tired that in the morning I was like a zombie. And working on the Pc was simply impossible: my brain was flat! I couldn't even meditate! I honestly felt totally lost... 

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Anti heat scheduled time

In the eraly morning, around six, wide open windows and shutters, to refresh the house.

At around one p.m. closing shutters and windows.

At around eight p.m. opening the windows and the shutters a bit.

This shedule seems to protect from the extreme heat in the house. It gets more bearable... Nevertheless it is heavy.

When living in Central Italy I met a Swiss German couple who built their dream house in the splendid hills of the region. The problem was that they indeed built their dream house - meaning that sort of house you see on the hill of Zurich: modern, with huge wall windows and no shutters.

In the north of Europe that is the required style: you try to get as much light as possible. But something like that in the Mediterranean reagions is pure folly! No shutters and wall windows?! Especially if all your rooms face south!

They tried to improve this situation adding thick and dark curtains that obscured the rooms and not the slightest breeze could reach the inside. A nightmare!

Now expacts are much more clear, they know that you should adopt the style of the local. If they have regular size windows plus shutters there must be a reason. At the time these two knuckleheads didn't want any suggestions, and they must pay the price... 

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My deep meditation

(Within the holy glacier the Divine Warrior inspires me... I feel guided, protected, blessed!) 

I am in the deep very center of a holy glacier and twelve Light Beings are standing in a circle all around me, looking down at me.

I am performing the fire within exercise imagining my body a hollow containter with a flame growing up from my first chackra. 

Meanwhile I feel the energy, the strength, the conciseness the 12 Light Beings are emanating into me. Little by little I realise I am transforming into a Wand, translucend, strongly pulsing. It's a magic rod. I realise I can increase or decrease something to the point it disappears.

What do I want to increase? I exercise my "powers" with my Light Wand. 

What do I want to erase? I exercise my "powers" with my Light Wand. 

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Good Manners

 

My approach to people has always been considerate. But in a boor world like ours today, my politeness is often red as weakness or as a snob attitude.

I am not a rampant person who impose herself. In that sense I am weak. And I don't want to be snob but at the same time I can't deny my good manners. 

Consequently, people tend to get me wrong. In addition to that there is also my being an Asperger.

Living in this kind of world today is not easy for me. 

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Invisible Attacker

Yesterday I watched this film on the German Television ZDF. It is a psychological thriller television movie (Unsichtbarer Angreifer), directed by Martina Plura.

Mainly it's about how dangerous Artificial Intelligence can be/become. 

 The plot follows Emma Turgut (Emily Cox), a psychotherapist living in a high-tech smart home controlled by an AI system named Samira. (The trailer here) 

While helping in developing an AI therapy app, Emma is haunted by a patient's suicide. As strange technological malfunctions plague her home, she struggles to determine if she is being targeted by a hacker or unraveling from trauma.

The core question is obviously the psychological dangers of over-reliance on artificial intelligence and automation.

I absolute can't stand Google Assistant and the automated commands you can get in your everyday life. I don't want to begin my day with the curtains opening at a given time, have my espresso ready while listening to my favourite music or news. I want to follow my time and inspiration. And even when my day was determined by a fixed timetable for sure I would be appalled if someone suggested me this kind of daily "help"! 

I found a deeply disturbing intrusion when the mobiles adopted by default the presence of the Assistant, that I deactivated immediately. 

And I really can't understand the fuss about having a kind of servant, or better said "intelligent" servant at your service, that actually I never find them so smart and clever as it is claimed. 

This "service" gives me claustrophobia. I feel trapped and it is deeply unbearable. Watching the film confirmed how much I detest it. 

Nevertheless I really liked it. 

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Enduring vs Escaping

Between four and five my mother began with what she called "discipline exercises". I had to learn that in life you don't do what you feel like but what you should do...

My capacity to endure became my theme. I was proud of my endurance volume.

Somehow it was in my late forties I remember the hint of a doubt, about the real value of my enduring no matter what, timidly began to touch me.

"The Mechanics of Enduring

Endurance is a necessary life skill. It builds character, fortitude, and emotional resilience. 

When it works: It is vital for navigating temporary hardships (like grieving a loss, training for a goal, or weathering a difficult season at work).

The pitfall: Sometimes we fall into 'endurism'—tolerating fundamentally toxic or misaligned environments because we feel trapped. If you are simply surviving the workweek just to recover on the weekends, your lifestyle may need to be structurally re-examined." [by Google AI]

It was only in my seventies that I realised the value of escaping! There are situations that must be escaped immediately because you should never have been committed to. No matter what you claimed when you pledged to get involved with it, when you realise it's toxic you should immediately let it go and turn your back to it. Escaping becomes an act of pure wisdom!

"The Mechanics of Escaping

Escape provides immediate relief and distance from aversive states, danger, or overwhelm.

When it works: In dangerous situations, escaping is essential for survival. In daily life, stepping away from a stressful environment can give you the breathing room needed to regain perspective.

The pitfall: When escape becomes a chronic habit (escapism), it prevents you from addressing the root cause of your unhappiness." [by Google AI]

The problem is that when you got instilled, as a child and, in addition to that, you are an Asperger - a state that tends to function as a computer when you get an order... it becomes almost impossibile to perceive the survival instinct voice trying to overcome the blind and deaf command you received!

But now I finally discovered it. And I also learned something more. I realised that escaping is not always about leaving the  stressors toxicity behind, escaping means also taking a momentarily pause, a rest to allow you restoring your energy so you can return to your life with more determination and clarity.

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The Goose Honk before Dawn

It's the second time, after just a few days, that a solitary goose is honking.

The previous time it was more distant, but very strong and clearly recognisable.

Today it seemed just down below my window. Extremely loud.

Me and my youngest cat Daleel jumped for the shock and both ran to the window, looking down in the back yard. The goose continued regularly his honking with some seconds pause, but we couldn't detect his presence.

We left, I was preparing their morning food and I finally served their meals. The goose continued his regular honking for a while and then left. 

I looked for the symbolic meaning of a "goose honking at night". It seems that if it happens when it is still night it has a symbolic value.

Family is important to geese, therefore a solitary goose honking may signify the loss of one member. It can be a warning.

As geese are very protective, it can be a signal and invitation to protect your personal and familiar energy field. Goose attacks can be brutal therfore one should be ready to a fierce fight when the case.

As the goose sound is very loud, it may certainly suggest to rise our voice so that we get heard! A suggestion that is very appropriate for me as I tend to drop the conflicts. And if I am forced to face it I use reasonings, that of course do not touch the thick aura of the arrogant. Therefore I should learn to be as loud and angry as they are... But I am still learning. It's still not something I am good at! 

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I am sorry

I know that there are some people occasionally reading these posts of mine... I know that I should/could write something more appealing, interesting, comforting... but actually I can't.

I have spent almost my entire life always giving a caring eye to the others and now that I am old I finally realised that I didn't care about me. Because I was strong and wise enough - so I was taught - that I could easily leave me behind.

It has been some years now that I discovered I don't want to leave me behind! And since then I have been training to put my attention to myself. I still have some difficulties in keeping the focus, but slowly I am learning.

Therefore I am sorry that I write for myself now, without caring whether I am - or I am not - interesting enough for the people happening to come by, but I am sure you can understand my point and forgive me!

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The end of hope?

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I look out at the world, searching the horizon for a single hint of hope, wishing with all my heart to find an anchor, a true and real light hidden somewhere that can lit my heart.

​But no promises are to be found now, just an intense noise and a pompous chaos. Their produce can't be convincing. The answers are found wanting: light as ash, leaving only the quiet sad ache of what should and could have been. Is this the end of hope? 

And yet, deep within me, I simply can't accept this devastation of all moral principles. I can't believe this chaos can last and lead us to the total perdition of the human race. We must endure this awful cacophony and remain alert and ready: this too shall pass, no matter how dark it may seem today!   

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