Being like a crow

 

In Castaneda's book: "The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge" the shaman, don Juan, tells him about the importance of being invisible, not making yourself visible. Here's the passage:

​"I learned to become a crow because these birds are the most effective of all. No other birds bother them, except perhaps larger, hungry eagles, but crows fly in groups and can defend themselves. Men don't bother crows either, and that is an important point. Any man can distinguish a large eagle, especially an unusual eagle, or any other large, unusual bird, but who cares about a crow? A crow is safe. It is ideal in size and nature. It can go safely into any place without attracting attention."

I feel it resonates somehow about me being a nobody (the post here). 

In all my previous years I tried to learn and apply the different attitudes of the place/nation where I was living, so that I could blend in. But I was not that successful - although in the northern countries of Europe it wasn't bad at all. 

There, in the north of Europe, for sure I felt better and safer. In Italy: I walk on eggshells. But in Central Italy, in the Adriatic regions, it was a total failure. Such a tremendous failure that I felt scared, deeply scared, even for my physical safety. Their male chauvinism was incredibly extreme (at least for my perception). But it felt normal to everybody, included to the women's world. It was so much normal, that it wasn't felt as something they had somehow accepted! That was their normal and decent (!) way to live.

I didn't realise the depth of this attitude. Therefore, if I was queuing in a shop and when was my turn a male client came in, and was immediately served, I complained out loud and asked and expected my right to be respected. My Italian is unequivocally from Milan. Although they all seem to have Milan in great consideration and respect, they still don't like when you, as a woman - even if you are from Milan - live there and expect to change their habits.

Yes, after my sharp complain I was served - before the man they were giving the priority, even if he was the last one in the queue. But I was served horrendously, payed more, and their murderous looks and attitudes were hideous. 

For sure I was not a nobody. I wasn't an invisible crow. I was visible and hearable with my Milanese accent, and I hated it. Because I don't like to stand out. But there, I couldn't blend in. Honestly I felt as if I were in a Muslim country where women do not count. And because it never occurred to me that a difference of behaviour was due depending on the gender, the surprise and appalment were immense!

On the other side, there was a trick that women adopted. In fact, they discovered a way to fool their men. They dressed extremely chic, with a marked make up - the souther physiognomy is very strong and a light make up doesn't correspond to their striking inner and outer essence - so, in this way, all well decorated for the performance, they became fashionable goddesses. And they had great satisfaction in commanding or manipulating. Sometimes with sexy innuendos that immediately called the men into their game, where at the end the women always won. Or they did order outloud and even sharply, and the men immediately obeyed. 

This is something that is not for me. I can't play neither roles. I am completely out. I have long reflected about my "rigidity". Is this a rigidity? I suppose it is. 

On the other hand, I also think: why on earth should I be in a place where this kind of behaviour is totally alien to me?! And indeed I ran away as soon as my mother (who wanted to spend her last years at the seaside) died, when the nightmare with her ended. Feeling no bonds with those people, nothing would have kept me there. 

My daughter, who loves to severly patronise me, for being so different from what she expects me to be, always reproached me for leaving, instead of staying and defend, affirming my position... Funny to be scolded by someone who totally expects the others to take care of her, always thinking she does all the work and totally unsatisfied about whatever it is done for her, in order to please her! 

Yes, life is very complicated when you are with people with no resonance with you. And now I know for sure: it is a must to leave them behind. They will go on with their lives, in their own way; and you will go on with your life in your own way. And surprise surprise: your life, without them, will flourish, your soul will breathe and expand, and evolve. What a relief! 

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Airplane trails

 

Honestly, it is the first time I see a sky so full of airplane trails in the place/s where I live or have lived. And I am a person very much accustomed to watch the sky, the clouds, the birds, as well as the stars and planets at night. 

I was so surprised early this morning when I quickly glanced at the sky, expecting the usual sight... but finding instead this scenery. 

Somehow fascinating! 

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Night drive

Yesterday I was in Alessandria for one of my workshops I have there. Actually it is the only place where I kept my workshops.

Alessandria is at only forty minutes distance from where I live. But in jam hours it can become a much longer time.

My workshop was at half past six in the late afternoon, but I am usually there much earlier, I have to prepare different things, and also the loudspeakers for the sounds the participants will be listening, that need to be placed thoroughly. (I created some special and very particular "healing" sounds that I use in my workshops.)

I left at quarter past four, I thought I will take an interne route and easily arrive in Alessandria from the hills of Monferrato, where the traffic is usually less intense, especially when the more driven routes are congested with the traffic of that specific jam time.

It has been a while that I take that route, quite solitary, where I love the feeling of being lost in a countryside where nothing happens, only some cars or lorries here and there. 

Not the case yesterday. I discovered that some other routes were closed for roadworks therefore the traffic was led to "my" route!

Actually it seemed that the entire province of Alessandria was completely busy with roadworks everywhere and the more I approached Alessandria, the worse the traffic became.

At some point I felt that every other route I knew and I tried was congested because of other closed routes. 

I began to wonder whether I was going to arrive, at least on time, some minutes before the given time. At the very end, when I was in the far suburbs of Alessandria, a car accident in a complicated crossroad obliged me to drive back 15 Kms and take an ever higher way, deeper in the hills. Small and full of curves...

I arrived at a quarter past six, after two hours of complicated routes!

But my day wasn't finished yet. At the end of my workshop I left at a quarter past nine. I was going to take the normal route that I didn't take in the afternoon because of the jam time... But it seemed that at night they were working even more on the different routes I tried to take, so that, again, I ended up in the far hills, dark and solitary, a route I never did before, that I would have enjoyed a lot in day time, because it was beautiful indeed, an kind of an enchanted dream... 

Although so tired, I must admit I deeply enjoyed driving home in the darkness of the night, passing through small villages where they seemed all to be in bed at ten, as seldom there was a light to be seen in the little homes along the road...and the hills that slowly became flatter and flatter, until I finally was in the flat Po valley, near home.

I still have that surreal and enchanted feeling inside!

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A Nobody

 

Some time ago I realised that I am nobody. I am a nobody. And this is exactly what I always wanted, because my language doesn't speak to the mass and I don't want to speak to the mass. They have first to go through the false prophets that manipulate them, before they can begin to discern. Trump docet (teaches)!

Being a Nobody doesn't diminish me at all but prevents me to confront stupidity, because stupid people just see what is shining bright and apparent, usually fake, but extremely appealing. A chimaera, an illusion, that ignorant (in the meaning of "ignoring") people can't be aware of. Therefore they have to go through the bitter experience of betrayal. As everyone has, me included! Because one really learns through experience. 

My state of being nobody means I am out of the public games. Therefore I am only for the few connaisseurs who understand my words and my concepts. Yes, I am isolated but I am not devastated by the reigning thick ignorance. I am protected!

It gave such a relief to repeat to myself: "I am a nobody, I don't have to perform for the stupids". Stupidity is something that scares me the most. You can't be undestood by stupids. As simple as you may speak, there are certain concepts that need a basis of knowledge. When this is lacking: those people are out. And this is quite horrible. You may even be accused of discrimination by the wokes! 

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Into the future

What a strange dream last night! Completely out of the blue! 

I don't usually watch videos about the beautiful inventions to rescue the damages inflicted to nature. I don't watch this kind of videos because I get depressed. Not because of the invention but because it reaffirms that we keep destroying nature! And it is disheartening... 

I can't understand how I ended up having such a dream! I was on holiday in the Alps. I had that good feeling I have when I am in a place I really like and in a hotel I very much like too. I was in a room, together with two assistants where I had to choose in which Alps I wanted to be, choosing a place out of all the north Italian regions. 

The interesting thing they were explaining to me, was that they had adopted a technology, that seemed already in use in the cities, of putting detoxing big screens, in which there was running water inside, purifing the environment as well as the people from all intoxication they could suffer.

Although I seemed to be appreciating the existence of these big screens in the cities, I didn't seem very enthusiastic about having them in nature. They explained that people were too much intoxicated and having these screens spread all around in nature would help them even more to profit from being in a beautiful environment!

I wasn't much convinced, but when they showed me different images of the screens in the different locations in the Alps, they gave me a really good feeling!

Regenerating and making me appreciate the beauty of the landscape even more! I remember I was breathing a few meters away from a screen and my breathing was giving me an intense and beneficial perception of that healthy air in my lungs.

I woke up regenerated!

I reflected upon this beautiful dream and it came to my mind that Rudolph Steiner created artificial cascades, made in such a way that the water flowing down created vortex, so that this movement of the water produced a purification effect of the environment where the artificial cascade had been collocated.

This was a topic I never studied in more depth, I just read it, saw the black and white old picture, thought: "how nice", and that was it. And from that time (around thirty years ago) I never encountered that topic again.

Whatever...

I am still feeling regenerated!

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From another planet

Being an Asperger (as I suppose all on the autistic spectrum) you have this deep feeling of not belonging. Because you are definitely different.

Before knowing about me being an Asperger I thought it was because we/I kept moving around in Europe and in different parts of Italy. In addition to that, my Italian part is far away from being Italian. 

Being Italian is deeply connected to traditions and the belonging to the community, where your family is from. But when you are exiled your country cut you off. My exiled grandfather travelled the world, and his children were born in all continents (Asia apart). When you are exiled your country refused you and you refuse your ex country. You may even hate it! And for sure you keep none of its traditions.

This is how my father grew up in Cairo. British protectorate at that time, although it was quite international as well. The Europeans living there had their circles and schools. For instance my father and his brothers went to the British school. His sisters to the French one. At that time French was considered a must if you were a girl, and at my time too, considering I was sent to French learning class in my primary school, while already going to the British Council for English, that I always felt as my father's language and heritage.

All this background makes you completely different in whatever nation you end up in. And being an Asperger makes thing even sharper. 

Aspergers are different human beings, our brains are different, we work and function in a different way. To me the most difficult diversity is social behaviour. 

Normal people, or better said: Neurotypical individuals, fit completely into social cues, the nonverbal signals that help understand general (social) conviction and consequently the result behaviour. 

Aspergers don't. 

Asperger people take words literally.  For instance, the time. If we agree we'll meet at three, I will be there at 14.55/57. 

In the northern European countries this is also their habit. Punctuality is a form of reciprocal respect. Precision is accountability. Both are also the result of depth: your world doesn't consider just yourself, but the people, situations around you as well. 

I fit perfectly in those country: I am precise, deep and wide in my considerations. 

Not the same in the Mediterranean countries or, for instance in India where everything floats... 

In Italy I had to enquire a lot of habits in  order to understand how to behave. And the first one question was about punctuality. If I arrive at three o'clock sharp, and I always am "sharp" punctual, I will be perceived as awkward. If I get annoyed when people arrive at 3.15 and even later (as it is often the case, especially in central or even more in the south) I will be perceived as far more awkward! 

Lately I have begun to reflect about the idea that we, Aspergers, may belong to other planets, even from some other galaxy outside the solar system. We simply don't fit with the "normal" humans.

Esotericism often explains that the Earth is similar to a seaport where humans from many different places land. Different people that all have human semblances but their inside is fundamentally different.

You often find the definition of "soulless". Where the idea of "soul" mainly refers to a Christian soul. Including perhaps the Buddhist and other oriental religions as "spiritual" enough to resonate with the Christian idea of soul!

Once, someone talking about the "soulless" said that a better definition of soul should be "intention". In fact, he continued, no one is without a soul, because deep inside everyone has his seed, his deep and profound intention, meaning.

When internet became public and you could still find incredibly deep researches as essays, I remember reading an article of a Buddhist monk. 

[Before continuing, just a quick note to clarify that real Buddhism - not that new agey style "buddhism" spread in the west - is still a very "magic" religion, that include demons, intended more as the ancient Greek concept of "daimons"!]

That monk was writing that the majority of people around have "daimons" inside, very malicious ones. Unfortunately, we lost the capacity to perceive behind their appearance! (Of course I saved that link - it was still an incredible long and complicated string! - but after some years when internet became more and more at disposal of everybody and the quality dropped, that article disappeared, together with many others I had saved!)

Again that monk stated the existence of many different souls that confirmed the esoteric teaching of the Earth being a seaport, full of people coming from many different other worlds, outside the solar system.

Perhaps, indeed, Aspergers are from some other spaces out there in the infinite universe! 

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Children

I am not that kind of person who pays much attention to children. On the other side, when I have to address them, they seem very pleased to be with me. And I get pleased as well, and yes, surprised too! 

In front of my home there is a small park; my street is also a very short one. Only a few cars happen to be around. Therefore the children living here play in the park and in the street. Actually exactly in front of my home because there is the entrance to the park and here, the street, gets a bit larger. 

From Spring to Autumn there is a lot going on. Children play, run, scream in excitement, cycle around, play football... A lot of happy noise. From my kitchen window on the second floor I can see them. There are Italian children, obviously, but also a lot of Arabs, some dark skin Africans, and some shining blond Slavic children. They intensely play all together, totally at ease. You see there is friendship among them. 

They will grow knowing each other's cultures and supposingly they will remain friends. 

Wherever I have lived here in Europe, or also elsewhere, I met people who lived, in their place, their entire life. People who knew each other since they were children. 

I don't have this experience, as with my family, we moved a lot, and I, with my new family first, then on my own, I moved even more. 

When I see the children playing I know the majority of them will remain friends and I think it's really nice. I also like a lot their mixed skin and hair colours. They talk to each other as equals. And exactly in this way it should be! 

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The Light Beyond

 

Heavy rains and and autumn temperature and vibe have reached us. A relief! Even if it is strange: the trees and all nature are still wearing their summer dress... 

Now I can finally work, again. I still have so many things to write down before I die. I am not saying that I feel I am going to die soon.  But that there is a lot of esoteric knowledge I want to pass on through the specific blogs I have prepared and probably some following books too. If I don't manage with the books, at least it will be in the blogs. For the students who follow me and perhaps for others too. 

But, the most important thing now is that I can meditate again. The great esoteric societies of the nineteenth-century did warn us that no metaphysical work can be done if the body isn't fit. And the weather plays a big role in that. When too cold, too hot, too humid or too dry, the body after a while runs amok. All your inner connections are lost: no line available. So you have to endure the lost links to the subtle spheres.

The interdimensions connection is back now. And the Light beyond is again in touch with me. Although the awareness of being connected anyway was here, it is a relief that now I can feel it, them, our, my subtle helpers and the inner dialogue and guidance is back. My world is whole again! 

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Worshipping

 

It is wrong. Worshipping is wrong. I know, it is a very delicate topic, but I will try to make my point anyway.

When you worship you switch your total attention to someone, something, outside of you. 

Many will say it is an act of humility. I understand that. Humility is a fundamental quality when you are a decent person.

I am not taking away humility, it is an essential virtue and only the real humble ones should consider the following words of mine. What I am going to say it is not for the ordinary people, who need to pay respect to life and to the divine, granting us such a gift.

I am talking to the ones that having spent their life in dialogue with God they understand now that God is expecting something different from them. They should begin an inner journey to deeply discover their own divinity, generated by the Divine who has created us  "in his own image and likeness". Do you get what I mean? 

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Bewilderment

I am realising that all the pain I feel inside about my family of origin and the relationship with my daughter is due to the fact that I was convinced there were good feelings. Yes, my mother was a deeply disturbed woman, but my youngest brother, my favourite one, what happened to him?! And what about my daughter, I honestly felt we had good interactions... how could she change so much?

They married a partner who let them grow parts that with me were not possible to manifest. Marrying made them stronger and with traits that simply were unfathomable to express with me. 

A deep dishonesty from my brother: apparently the most truthful and consequent, reliable, with decent and moral principles, when in reality he (and his wife) became more and more explicitly boor and deceitful.

With my daughter we always mocked the girls who expected to be waited on hand and foot by their partners... I remember having made fun with her about this attitude that many girls adopt, as if showing to be spoiled were the best rule to take up in a relationship. 

Exactly some days after she was comfortably sitting on the couch and she asked her partner "Honey, bring me a glass of fruit juice, please?" I turned towards her amused, thinking she was joking... but she wasn't. And I was glad that she didn't see me almost laughing at that request!

The worst parts in both of them grew more and more evidently. I am not saying that their partners instilled in them the nasty characteristics they began to show. These were already there. But their partners legitimated them in adopting this kind of behaviour. And I didn't realise it, and kept being completely confused and lost, expecting them to become "normal" again, while, on the contrary they were more and more alienating from me. 

I didn't get it, up to now! This morning I realised that I have been unable to understand what was going on up to now. After all I am an Asperger, if you declare you are honest I expect you to be it. If you declare you are a decent person I expect that from you. Otherwise my Asperger brain codifies that as confusing information and I remain in a state of bewilderment, not able to react appropriately...

Now I even understand how I could accept so many unacceptable behaviours from them: because I had filed them into the folder "decent people" while they weren't / aren't. I wasn't quick enough to understand my mistake in filing them into the wrong folder! 

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The taming of the small

In the I Ching Hexagram no. 9 it is written: "Dense clouds gather, yet no rain falls. Their influence is not enough to complete the result."

This is exactly the situation. Last night it was supposed to rain, but no rain. Just warm strong wind. This early morning was supposed to rain, but no rain. An uncertain sun rose instead. At three this afternoon it was supposed to finally arrive the fulfillment of the weather alert for storms. The sky became more and more white-grey, the wind grew and grew, but up to now, half past five, nothing happened.

It feels like we are all depending on this never falling rain. As if our lives can't fully go on if the rain doesn't come. An exhausting waiting is going on and I am becoming almost obsessed by this never falling rain! 

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Waiting for the rain

 

A rain that doesn't come, in spite of the weather forecast that finally annouced it. 

Yes, the temperature has gone down to 32/35 degrees Celsius, but the dryness persists, it keeps between thirty and fourty percent. The home remains warm even if the temperature, at about five and six in the morning is down to 23, while slowly rising towards 30 at midday.

On the 16th, after Ferragosto, it was supposed to rain. From the Alps the rainy clouds were announced to reach the flat lands. But no, just a furious wind and scary flashes. At six in the morning there was a slight scent of rain, but everything was dry.

Today from two in the afternoon we were expecting the first announced storms, but the sky remained sunny and immobile, as it is now, at a quarter past four, accompanied by an intense and inexorable warm wind, weighing us down, reminding me of Nevada, the desert, when around my twenties I visited the States from coast to coast. It was the first time in my life I experienced such a dry hot weather (and now, this Summer, is my second time!).

I feel my inside loosing stamina. Yes, I can work better now - working has always been my favourite occupation, it regenerates me - but the dryness all around has more and more reached down, into my spirit, and I feel a void that usually isn't there.

I also had an accident, a household accident. I almost fell, very badly. To avoid it I forcefully twisted my back, to keep me straight, but that was a too sudden torsion and too sharp. Now I can't bend for the pain. I was surprised how many actions in our everyday require us to bend. Now I can only squat, while keeping my back straight, as even the slightest hint of bending is aching tremendously.

On the other hand, I did a lot of work at home (before the accident!), many things that needed some kind of repair or change. It was quite satisfying... Nevertheless I am soo deeply and desperately longing for some rain! 

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