My problem with happiness

 

I have a problem with being happy. When you grow up in a family where a narcissist is in charge, and you are naturally perceptive, especially as an Asperger, you learn to hide what makes you happy: you realise quickly enough that whatever brings you joy is strictly taken away from you.

​Furthermore, you learn to fake happiness in order to please the narcissist who "generously" chose to do something "nice" for you, solely so that everyone would see how magnanimous and benevolent they were.

​Depriving me of what made me genuinely happy was framed as an act of discipline: I was told I needed to learn to live contentedly even without happiness. Besides, my mother, the covert narcissist in charge of our lives, was used to reminding me that if I were to go to hell, I would find real pain there, unlike these "mild" disciplinary actions of hers. What a distorted logic to impose upon a child!

​On the other hand, she tried to appear deeply caring. She even treated me to "special" presents that she, herself, loved so much, but she bought specifically for me. These were rare occasions, but they did happen: I received things that matter nothing to me, but they were her "loving" gifts.

​No wonder I have a problem with happiness...