I was never a spontaneous person, I had to understand - or at least try to - how I was supposed to deal with this life that I really couldn't understand!
Now I know: it's because I am an Asperger that the only way to keep the anxiety under control is to organise informations into rational files.
Three were usually the categories: "sure up to now": meaning they didn't need a constant check about their veridicity but only now and then a verification; "hypothesis": meaning they needed incessant reviews of my sources and of my reflections; "still incomprehensible": meaning I couldn't find a clue, therefore I had to be continuously alert to catch any possible hint to associate to the still unexplainable topic.
This procedure creates on one side a solid ground of understanding and on the other the necessary flexibility and openness to review and re-edit everything. I can't count the many times I heard friends saying: "you are like a kaleidoscope, a constant mutation !"
Well, now something new is happening, a very awkward thing for me. Now that finally my trouble with the Death Point is over (read specific previous post) and finally I have time to dedicate myself to the many topics of reflection I had in stand by, because of the terrible nine years I spent being together with my schizophrenic mother, that required all my attention and energy dedicated to her, eventually now I feel that my usual work of putting infos into categories is somehow restricting, inhibiting the free flow of energy, necessary for a most spontaneous and healthy evolution!
Of course I feel a anxious about it but it is more than bearable, it doesn't disturb me at all. On the contrary it gives me a certain excitement that feels like my last adventure on Earth I want to experience...
Am I "healing" from my Asperger?!
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