My slow time

 

After having spent almost 9 years with my schizophrenic mother, 7/7 & 24/24, where my life stopped being a life, I needed almost two years to somehow recover, physically and mentally. Meanwhile old age has caught me. And now I am 71.

Although I still have a sneaking anxiety in the background of my inside, always ready to pop out in all its triumph and pomp, I know immediately how to react, in order to push it into a modest presence, slightly noticeable.

I'm healthy. I am a vegetarian since my university time and lately I have become almost totally vegan. The only exception yoghurt/kefir that I produce myself.

But my strength has decreased dramatically. Although I do keep exercising.

Besides, my time has expanded. I need much more time for everything.

I am a journalist/writer and an esotericist. I teach the secret art of using wisely the energy (within + without). Now mainly through YouTube. But it was always my intention to resume everthing in books.

During my "jail time" (this is how I call the terrible 9 years with my schizophrenic mother) I managed to write here and there a kind of a "flow chart" with the various topics priority. The matter is extensively wide and articulated, therefore I needed to understand which approach to choose.

But living in a scattered time, where everything depended on my mother's whims - that I constantly tried to keep contained - my writing production was scattered too.

Now I am trying to recover everything and somehow put it together in a wise sequence. But, to my dismay, I realise that I am taking so much time because I keep finding new variables to reflect upon.

Once I was brilliant, quick and keen, and yet deep and with a very wide horizon. Now my depth has grown so much, together with the width of my horizon, that the many reflections I did before, rarely fit with my new conclusions. As a result I am terribly slow and with an unusual discomfort towards me, not being able to produce at a quicker pace.

Old age is indeed like everyone has always said: inside you still feel alert and vibrant, but productivity is really slow and even clumsy.