Creating balance

 

A constant daily adjusting, inside, to balance. Now that my life is mine, I have to get rid of the burdens of the past. Honestly, I’m doing a good work. Nevertheless, they are still stalking me and sometimes they catch me off guard.

I still have a long way to go.

My actual status is that I am tired. In part this is due to my age. But the main tiredness comes from the inside. I am still staring, with incredulous eyes, to all that has happened.

And yet, I am incredibly thankful. Because I realised so many realities that if you do not experience them, they just remain a notion. You know that people like that exist: mean, borious, liars, opportunists, and wicked inside. But as a notion it doesn’t really touch you.

You know perhaps from others: friends, people you know, who are experiencing really bad situations. But as long as all that remains a notion, you hear about, you read it, perhaps even in psychology books you are studying (as I did), and yet you can’t really grasp the intensity and the danger of such situations.

Now I know, and just because I wiped off all that kind of humans, unfortunately very near humans I had allowed to behave with me in such a manner, I now know what you go through in the process. And I can help those who are really willing to break free from such a nightmare.

When you are born in a disfunctional family, it is enough one parent to be disturbed, to create a mess in the group. Usually the empath children are the ones who take the burden of responsibilities for the duties the disturbed parent, and therefore the entire family, are not capable nor willing to take care of.

You, the empath child, are made responsible. Because you are the wisest, the most intelligent, you understand, you are able to deal with life, etc. etc.

The real meaning of this manœuvre is that the disturbed parent, and the rest of the family, do not want to take responsibility, nor even of their own things. In a disturbed family, if you are not a responsible person, everything gets scattered. There is an immense centrifugal force in such a family group. And if you don’t want to totally lose your mind, you get into action, in order to somehow keep the group functioning.

Bad, very bad decision. But as long as you are young and can’t leave, you must come to terms with it.

My enormous mistake was to think: I had the responsibility to be here for them, always trying to help them. When they never thought of my help as being at all necessary!