Far from the madding crowd

 

One of the many books we had to read and analyse in high school  was this one by  Thomas Hardy. Just the title was enough for me to fall in love with it. As far back as I can remember I have always been scared and disturbed by people. But one has to come to terms with it. So I had quickly to learn masking my inner difficulties. Therefore, just the idea of leaving the mass all around behind me was a relief!

The title suggests a retreat from the chaos and superficiality of urban life into the quieter, more “authentic” world of the countryside. However, Hardy’s novel subverts this idea.  Despite being physically far away from the “madding crowd” of society, the characters are involved in deep psychological conflicts—pride, longing, jealousy, and heartbreak.

Obviously the inner turmoil is not confined to cities or crowds; it is part of human nature, present even in the most seemingly idyllic settings. True peace doesn’t comes from physical escape but from emotional and psychological growth—something Bathsheba, the main character, only achieves by the novel’s end.

For the very same reason, one of Horace’s motto: “Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt” They change their sky, not their soul, who rush across the sea, became for me a reminder that my deepest longing to be somewhere else was not a solution to my difficulties with people (nevertheless Horace was my favourite Latin poet at that time, and has remained the most beloved one for my entire life!)

The incredible thing is that I have never met someone who moved as much as I did. My average is one move every 5 years. In the north of Italy and the German speaking Switzerland, but also Bavaria and London, although, in these two places, that were my super favourite, I just managed to remain for some months every year. Or even in India, but this deserves a post on its own.

I feel at home in the north of Europe. I never had the slightest difficulty there. I perfectly fit in. On the contrary in Italy it is extremely difficult for me. I don’t fit in. And this let’s my constant anxiety grows and grows.

In Italy they talk and do not act consequently, and they talk a lot! Although this talking is really pleasant, this very same talking leads to nothing. No action is undertaken, not even after clearly deciding an agenda. It drives me crazy, although I am getting accustomed to it. Nevertheless, this still means that it is never clear what to expect next.  

My “fitting in” is my big problem. I never manage. Generally speaking, what the Italians like is exactly what I dislike, but that I really do like in them! It’s absurd, I know! I would say: I like to have Italians as a choreography around me. And that’s it.

Some years ago, when still recovering after the almost nine years I spent with my schizophrenic mother, which left me completely devastated and stuck here in Italy, at the height of my despair, I finally decided something that for years had haunted me. That is: I decided to make a test to check if I possibly am an autistic.

After visiting many sites, I have opted for a page from a British institution, that, if you needed it, issued a certificate for the medical staff in your area, that they could hand it over to your employer. Something that I didn’t need though.

It came out I am an Asperger. And through the information in their pages I could also understand why I kept feeling me split.

For instance in the last years I happened to realise that whenever I felt like taking a psychological test an inner question rose spontaneously: “from which side of me am I going to answer?”.

It was so spontaneous this inner question that I didn’t realise it until that moment. And it was a total surprise.

In that awareness I tried both of my sides in the test. When I answered with my side A, I was a total winner, but with side B, I was too shy, scared, sensitive… not good to deal people!

Definitely super brilliant in the brain organisation (I have always thought I am functioning like a computer in the way my brain works) super excellent in reasoning, deepening, reflecting… super bright synapses, but deeply unable to deal with the rest of humanity, besides all that… physically clumsy.

In that web page was also explained that when an Asperger is born in a family unable or unwilling to deal with this problem the child learns to mask the difficulties and plays the role the parents expect from him/her. Now things began to finally become clear.

I must confess that when I received the result I felt both relieved and very scared at the same time. Relieved because finally it was clear what was/is wrong with me. Scared because: “now what?!” .

I immediately put the received file into some folder of my pc. Since then I never read it again. I still feel the shock I had. Yes, also the relief, but it is difficult to put together these two feelings.