gathering

This verb means to bring together and take in from scattered places or sources. This is exactly what I have begun to do. It has been a while by now. It is an enormous work!

Yes, because in the almost 9 years, very unfortunate years spent with my schizophrenic mother, that I deeply experienced as a total imprisonment, with no personal space and time... Well, when I happened, to somehow manage, to squeeze in something connected with my studies and research: notes, reflections, infos from some super interesting page on the web... that I wanted to put apart, for some future time of freedom, I inevitably ended up closing it in a hurry, into some clouds or private blogs, because my mother, again, had the urgent and immediate priority.

This meant that I never had the necessary seconds to reflect upon where I should have put the file. The result was that I often forgot I had already written a specific memo on the subject, therefore I wrote it again. At the end, all scattered in far too many places on the web, I found so much material, often written two, three, four times, and always slightly different, that now, that I am finally settling down and I am trying to gather the different themes - each into specific files - it takes ages before I even manage to put together the ones that I wrote multiple times. Literally exhausting.

But I want to have it done. 

It takes a huge amount of time and patience and focused dedication, to such an extend that when I finally  pronounce the fateful sentence: "let's call it a day!" I feel so spaced out from my reality that I need some seconds to recall where I am: in which of the many houses I have lived parts of my life, I find myself now, at this very moment. Disconcerting indeed!