Don't open that door

 

Once dishonest: dishonesty will always stalk you. Once you trespassed that door, even when you think you have closed it behind you, the groove you have drawn remains. That door will always be lurking in the inevitable shadows of life. In a moment of  inattention, of tiredness, of an unbalanced interior state, the infamous door will wink at you, promising prompt and easy solutions!

If you are not totally honest, it is difficult to leave dishonesty behind!

Therefore be very cautious with people who have been dishonest, even when they claim it was a phase in their life, now over… The door to dishonesty had been opened once, and it will always be lurking in the shadow, waiting for the right moment to wink…

 

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Getting rid of bonds

 

Step after step, getting rid of bonds, malicious bonds, which hold you captive like in a mold, a matrix, you learned to consider your skin…

It takes time.

The first step is to realise you are in a mold. When you fully realise it, you just want to liberate yourself, and yet you can’t. Every time you try to cut the ties that keep you in the mold, you simply can’t. Fear and strong guilt feelings are the major hindrance. Therefore you step back, suddenly ashamed of yourself for that kind of pride that pushes you out of the common rules, daring too much. Now you see how wild you were. Submissive and obedient you feel docile and pious again, and the blessings pour onto you. You are back, well protected inside the mold.

And yet, after some time here it is again: that deep push inside. Again you feel tremendously lucid in your thoughts and feelings. You clearly see the inner prison which binds you like in a spell. You realise that indeed: it is a spell! And again you feel that terrible urge inside to severing ties. But you can’t. There is not enough strength inside.

Once again, the rebellious wave calms down and once more you humbly go back in the ranks.

Eventually, one day, totally out of the blue, without any sign that could reveal you were getting ready, something of minor importance happens, and you simply cut off everything which was still binding you to situations and people, holding you hostage in their emotional and pseudo moral blackmail! And you are out of the mold, out of the matrix. Surprised that everything happened without any effort, but very smoothly, simply and naturally!

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So it's: Christmas!

 

 

 

Everything is fine and yes, smoothly going on. A lot of gratitude is in my heart!

[Music: Pixabay Alex_Vlas]

 

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Quite Tough

(In the image the last full moon in Gemini on the 15th of December 2024)

At the beginning of November I switched on the heating and after one day I discovered an intense condensation on two windows. So intense that it was literally dropping water onto the floor.

I had to solve it and I also decided to make drastically changes. I completely switched three rooms.

I am used to move. This one was number 25 (I am pretty sure it will be the last one of my life). Just to say that with all this experience I am used to thoroughly plan everything, not only the way to pack and prepare the carton boxes, but also and especially the way to dispose the furniture, according to the house characteristics. For instance I study the sun position: never ever have the kitchen facing West in Italy, it’s a nightmare in summer! And also many other aspects, mainly from the Feng Shui perspective, so that every room ends up in the perfect position.

This time I didn’t realise that a room has a wall confining with the outside (and not with another flat). I didn’t check thoroughly the backside, therefore the bad surprise. The room is colder and the cold is even more perceptible because of the humidity from the window.

Eventually I solved the condensation problem, while in the meantime I moved completely the three rooms. That meant I had to empty all the wardrobes, in order to be able to push them into the room I wanted them to be now.

I am used to change the disposition of the furniture. After some time I can’t stand the same “view” of the room. But it is the first time I drastically change everything. Alone.

I am healthy. I always have been a passionate health… yes, perhaps even a bit: fanatic. Healthy food, healthy breathing, healthy approach, meditation, walking, …. But I can’t stop the natural process of aging. Therefore I feel more and more my becoming weaker and weaker. Fit, yes, but weak – if compared to before.

I spent the month of November searching a solution against the condensation and planning a more suitable disposition of the rooms.

With the New Moon in Sagittarius, giving me the necessary strength to fulfill my project, I boldly began to move the furniture around. Realising how much time now I was taking to accomplish things that once seemed so much doable, and finally ending with the Full Moon in Gemini (my sign) that, being full, it represents the end. And I am indeed at the end; exhausted.

I feel completely squeezed. My energy has totally dropped. I am done.

Since two weeks I am going to the nearby thermae where I take a steam bath and then I swim in the thermal swimming pool. It’s regenerating. When I go out I feel gorgeous. Unfortunately after some daily chores, as well as shopping, I am back down, exhausted.

This is getting older. I have to get used to it and stop planning things to do with the same boldness I had before. It doesn’t work now.

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My slow time

 

Learning to welcome the slow time, where everything is smooth, slow, silent…

It doesn’t come on its own. I have to impose it: stay here, quiet, do not move, just be, … at peace.

Although I have been a deep meditator, being in the slow time is really different. Meditation, in spite of the exterior and interior immobility, is an active action. Being quiet, with yourself while doing nothing, is extremely passive. And extremely healthy.

Now my time is my time and my space is only mine! I still have to get used to it!

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Out Of Egypt

 

 

I finished reading this book. I liked it immensely. I bought it because it speaks of a family, a Jewish family, who after various odysseys ended up in Egypt, in Alexandria.

Although my father’s family wasn’t Jewish, they had the same destiny and they ended up in Cairo.

My grandfather, a utopistic young man just graduated in architecture, had a fierce disagreement with the prime minister of the time, which brutally turned out in my grandfather being exiled.

When you emigrate you leave your country keeping it deeply in your heart. When you are exiled, your country has rejected you. You don’t take it with you. You feel betrayed by your own country.

My grandfather and his young family began travel the world. His children were born in all continent, a part from Asia – or perhaps not even Asia if Australia is considered belonging to that continent (or perhaps it isn’t?). The family acquired an international flair, not really connected to any country in particular. But at the end, they settled in Cairo, and Egypt became the only home they ever had.

Reading the book I found so many aspects of everyday life in Egypt that I had already known, because of the many memories shared with us about their normal life, there. It was like listening to my father and his sisters and brothers, when they met and spoke about their time there. The people of the many nations they had to do with: mainly Greeks, French, Italians, and of course British – being Egypt under British protectorate.

It was a real strange feeling. Through the words in the book, the description of the different people there, the different languages they all spoke… it was indeed like listening to my father’s family. And it was moving on one side, and very awkward on the other.

I can’t say anything else, I am still feeling strange inside.

 

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Greenery

 

 

 

I put my few plants inside. Once I had a very large terrace and a small flat. Now I have a very large home and a tiny covered balcony. Not much space for many plants. Nevertheless I do have a few. The temperature has been sinking to 6/8 degrees Celsius. It was time to put my plants inside.

Taking care of my home gives me such a serene feeling. Now I have time to enjoy my space, to take care of my things, but first of all to take care of me!

Quite a new experience for me that I spent all my like taking care of the others!

 

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The old skin

 

Some nights ago I had a “special” dream. Special dreams for me are not just a psychological expression of the inner state, but they also open up a new door, a possibility which up to the moment seemed unthinkable.

In the dream I was in a new home, which seemed to stand solitary in the hills. From that height I could see all the soft hills that surrounded us. From the landscape I could guess it was between late summer and the beginning of autumn. The season I have always loved the most.

The house reminded me of an ancient watchtower with a kitchen on the ground floor, a living room on the first floor and a bedroom on the second floor. 

In the dream I was in the living room, happily tiding up while now and then looking out of the two windows of that tiny sitting area. I felt so relieved of being there, I felt the happiness that inner peace grants you.

Sometimes I went to one or the other window, and leaning against the sill my gaze indulged on the hilly horizon. So peaceful and fulfilling!

While breathing in the fresh air of that beautiful day I realised that one of my cat, the round red cat, was beside me, staring at a small wood inlet in the window. I looked and I saw a small coiled snake, black with some yellow that reminded me of arrows.

I was surprised and upset. What am I supposed to do now, I wondered with anxiety. My red cat tried to touch him with his his chubby paw. The snake played dead.

I looked around to see where the other cat was, a very elegant black cat. He was sleeping. Thank God, I thought, I didn’t want them both to be here, together, trying to play catch with the little snake.

Meanwhile the snake was trying to figure out how to escape. My red cat was waiting and after a while he seemed plunged into meditation. Suddenly the snake slid forward quickly, trying to escape. Let’s hope he manages it, I thought, I didn’t want to even think of how to save him! The whole thing was deeply bothering me.

Then I saw he was losing its old skin. Oh, no, not that too! While fixing the old skin left behind, the little snake disappeared quickly, the cat awoke from its slumber, and I got the idea: I took dustpan and brush, and threw the old skin out of the other window, as my red cat was still casing the sill wondering about the snake.

When I got rid of the little snake’s old skin I felt finally at ease and with relief I looked up at the sky, I saw swallows flying around, I heard their sound and I intensely felt the energy of Spring (but we were in almost autumn, weren’t we?!) and a deep relief inside mixed with an acute, almost overwhelming happiness. Next thing I know I was flying in the sky together with the swallows! How divine!

 

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Sending love to them

 

Almost out of all the hustle and bustle of my life I can conciliate my everyday, now, with the things and situations which bring harmony to my heart.

Yesterday was the Day of the Dead, dedicated to remember the beloved ones living now on the other side. Being our family so tremendously scattered, also the dead ones are scattered here and there. Besides I hate cemeteries, especially in Italy. Although they are considered very artistic, and quite a few are even suggested in the guide tours for tourists, I really dislike them. Most of them are in the Neoclassical style of the nineteenth century. Which strongly reminds me of my grandparents house: neoclassic, cold, austere… Just like them.

And yet, in my commemoration, everyone is included. Because I know that life is hard to cope with, and in the mess that we have to face, many people forget the real priorities, that can’t – or better said: shouldn’t be put aside. As otherwise, the family will bear the consequences.

Sharpness, coldness, detachment, incorrectness, and even dishonesty… these are unfortunately the wrongdoings that far too often are manifested in one’s family.

For my commemoration I bought a yellow-gold chrysanthemum plant and a very red cyclamen. If I am not mistaken, chrysanthemum represents eternal life, while cyclamen love. And this is what I am sending them all, out of my heart.

 

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Back to sun time

 

In Europe time changed last night. We are back to solar time. It has been a very strange Summer, which reminded me of the north European Summers I enjoyed so much because they were bearable. In Italy, to my perception, they are tough. When you are in the flat lands of the river Po valley because of the heavy humidity. In the center and in the south because it gets really hot.

Not last Summer though. And it was really awkward. In spite of enjoying my “ideal” Summer I felt a kind of uneasiness. My system memorised this kind of Summer in a northern European choreography, therefore it felt so strange, unusual, looking around and seeing the Italian  landscape appearing, so unexpected! It didn't match the memory!

Summer over, and we hoped in a warm and joyous Autumn, but we got rain instead. Just a continuous rain…

Now with an hour difference, at five in the the afternoon, it seems already evening…

 

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Missing them

 

I lived four years in the Apennines, in central Italy. There was solitude, silence, and a lushy, gorgeous and impressive vegetation there, together with a certain wilderness given by the many animals you could encounter.

At night too.

The suddenly cry of a fox, waking you up while you were deeply sleeping, with that terrible and creepy cry, just down below your bedroom window, was really something that gave me the chills. An intense mixture of deep emotions and awe, together with fear.

And the first time I saw a serpent. Not just the little snakes you do happen to see, hushly trying to hide as soon as they perceive someone approaching. But a long one: at least 1.20/1.50 mt. and 5 cm thick. Completely black, shining his frightening blackness, while sleeping in the sun on a big rock, down below the living room window, overlooking the wild creek, with all the Apennines  framing the spectacular view.

A round badger with the thick fur, calmly crossing the road, busy doing his things. A ferret... All animals I never had any occasion to meet in person, not even in the Alps or in the Us Yellowstone National Park.

But what I liked the most were the different kind of night birds I could hear at night. I never felt alone with them all around, "silently" talking to me in their secret language without words, that one can understand only if listening through the soul!

 

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Numb

 

 

The most incredible thing is when close and beloved family members, you always tried to honour and accept in their flaws, turn against you, betray you, rob you, consciously want to hurt you… It is so unbelievable that the immense surprise numbs you totally, and you don’t even suffer. You stop feeling. You just freeze… And the time stops.

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My slow time

 

After having spent almost 9 years with my schizophrenic mother, 7/7 & 24/24, where my life stopped being a life, I needed almost two years to somehow recover, physically and mentally. Meanwhile old age has caught me. And now I am 71.

Although I still have a sneaking anxiety in the background of my inside, always ready to pop out in all its triumph and pomp, I know immediately how to react, in order to push it into a modest presence, slightly noticeable.

I'm healthy. I am a vegetarian since my university time and lately I have become almost totally vegan. The only exception yoghurt/kefir that I produce myself.

But my strength has decreased dramatically. Although I do keep exercising.

Besides, my time has expanded. I need much more time for everything.

I am a journalist/writer and an esotericist. I teach the secret art of using wisely the energy (within + without). Now mainly through YouTube. But it was always my intention to resume everthing in books.

During my "jail time" (this is how I call the terrible 9 years with my schizophrenic mother) I managed to write here and there a kind of a "flow chart" with the various topics priority. The matter is extensively wide and articulated, therefore I needed to understand which approach to choose.

But living in a scattered time, where everything depended on my mother's whims - that I constantly tried to keep contained - my writing production was scattered too.

Now I am trying to recover everything and somehow put it together in a wise sequence. But, to my dismay, I realise that I am taking so much time because I keep finding new variables to reflect upon.

Once I was brilliant, quick and keen, and yet deep and with a very wide horizon. Now my depth has grown so much, together with the width of my horizon, that the many reflections I did before, rarely fit with my new conclusions. As a result I am terribly slow and with an unusual discomfort towards me, not being able to produce at a quicker pace.

Old age is indeed like everyone has always said: inside you still feel alert and vibrant, but productivity is really slow and even clumsy.

 

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At Home

 

Finally at home. A home I feel totally mine. After 25 moves up and down the Alps. Down to the Apennines. Up to the very core of the Alps. And down again, in the flat land of the Po Valley. In Italy. In the Oltrepò.

I am now 71. Incredible. In the hustle and bustle of a life full of pressure, drama, danger, I have reached this age without being aware of my time passing by.

Eventually the violent chaos is over. There is silence within and without. And Autumn is here. I lit my candles. I burn the aromatic herbs I dried. Their scent gently invades the space. My space. My home. In the silence I feel at peace.

 

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